i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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