they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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