What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
