Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
