I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
