so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
