god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
