I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize