Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You brought string cheese to the strip club
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
