I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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