so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
As shirtless as possible
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
