He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
