woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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