what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
