I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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