Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
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