i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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