I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
