when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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