In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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