She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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