A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
