why didn't you poke me back
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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