Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
