I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
