This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
