the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
