he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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