Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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