Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
