u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
