Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
