I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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