I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
