I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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