I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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