they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
