Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
