Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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