we made out on top of his cat.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
