I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize