Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
