we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My liver just had a heart attack.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
