I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
