And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
