After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Alive.
So much puke
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
this hospital has no fireball
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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