You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
