it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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