Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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