After last night, I could never be a politician.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
So many bounce houses so little time
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
