3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Just high enough for therapy.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
