If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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