It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
