I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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