i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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