come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
