I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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