I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize