So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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