If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
