I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
