how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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